If you have experienced an infidelity in your marriage it can feel like your world is crashing down around you. The person you trusted so deeply and built your life around has betrayed you and everything the two of you built together. Within the grief and overwhelm surrounding infidelity, many ask the question, “can my marriage heal from this?” While infidelity certainly marks a turning point in any relationship, it is not necessarily a death blow to your marriage.

With hard work, honest exploration, and true collaboration, marriages can heal from the wounds of the past. Here are some common stages that partners go through following an affair or infidelity, and how they can be navigated with grace to help the relationship continue to flourish and grow.

Holding space for the grief

Once the infidelity is out in the open, the person who has been cheated on will need time and space to grieve. It is imperative here that the offending partner is able to hold space for their spouse to go through whatever anger, grief, and trauma healing they need to in response to the infidelity. As Ester Perel states in her Ted talk, Rethinking Infidelity, “[The offending partner] needs to hold vigil for the relationship.” Holding vigil is the act of taking responsibility by being the one who creates the space for the relationship to heal. If there has been infidelity, it is the responsibility of the offending partner to make sure the relationship gets the attention and care it needs to make it through the trauma of broken trust. 

Say goodbye to your old relationship

Whether you like it or not, after an infidelity, the old relationship you thought you had is now over. It is up to you whether or not you would like to do the hard work of building a new relationship with your partner. Taking the time and care to attend to your relationship as if it is brand new is extremely important if you want to successfully heal and move on. A marriage cannot successfully keep going on cruise control after a traumatic event like infidelity has occurred. This is the time to dig deep and explore, grow, and learn new ways to engage in your marriage if you want it to be successful and heal.

Understanding why it happened

Infidelity and affairs generally do not occur out of thin air. It is crucial after an infidelity has happened that you and your partner explore what was going on in your relationship that led to the infidelity in the first place. This is not the same as blaming the aggrieved partner for the infidelity, but it is important to understand what dynamics were at play in your relationship that could have led to this happening.

There could be patterns of distance and withdrawal, lack of attention, or other disagreements that have been left unattended for too long. Or, there might be unspoken resentments, needs not being met, or a general lack of care in the relationship. With rare exceptions, healthy, honest and connected partners don’t usually end up cheating on each other. After an infidelity has happened, it is very important that you do the work to understand what was going on underneath the surface of your relationship that might have led to what happened.

Getting support

Affairs and infidelity are one of the most difficult hurdles any relationship will face. They do not mean, however, that you need to throw the whole relationship out and start over. If you have lived with and loved a person for years, it's not always the easiest or best thing to end a marriage because of one negative event, no matter how painful it was. Doing the work to figure out what happened and why, and what you want to do about it, can be incredibly difficult work. Don’t try to do it alone. Couples therapy is an excellent resource to help you and your partner sort through the painful experiences that result from infidelity. Talking to a neutral third party can help you speak your mind in a safe environment and get you and your partner communicating effectively again.

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Have you suffered an infidelity in your marriage? Do you need support to navigate these difficult topics with your partner? I offer compassionate couples therapy in Santa Cruz or online anywhere in California. Reach out today to schedule a free and confidential 20 minute phone consultation to see if I could be a good fit to help you.