How to Be a Better Listener
[ Transcription ]
0:00 So today, I want to talk a little bit about how to be a better listener to those around you. I think this is a super important topic. A lot of people struggle with their communication, in their relationships in their lives, and one big portion of communication, half of it, is being able to listen effectively to others. I think, frankly, that the world would be a better place if we could all be able to listen to each other a little better. So I'll talk a little bit about that today, why you should want to become a better listener, and some ways you might try to do this in your life.
Alright, so if you don't know who I am, I'm Connor Moss. I'm a psychotherapist offering online sessions for California residents, and I'm based in Oakland, California. I specialize in helping people heal their relationships, their trauma and their addictions. And in these short videos I'm just going to be sharing some ideas and tips that I've learned in my years of school and years of working with clients. I hope you find it helpful.
01:01 Alright, so back to listening. First off, why should you care about this, why should you want to be a better listener? I think something really important happens when someone is able to share their story and be able to hurt very deeply. When you go to someone and you feel like they're really listening to you 100%, and you can share everything that's on your mind and you feel fully heard, it's a really powerful experience. That's why people talk to therapists. That’s traits they're looking for in relationships and co-workers. So if you can become that person for the people in your life, if you can be that person that people go to, to get that sense of feeling deeply heard, that's gonna be a really powerful thing in your life.
01:53 So some specific ways this might manifest is in relationships. As I mentioned, communication in relationships is key. Many problems in close relationships boil down to communication breakdowns, and one half of having good communication in your relationship is being able to hear your partner really effectively. So if you can learn to really hear your partner, it's gonna help your intimacy and connection with your partner, it's gonna help them trust you more, it's gonna help them feel like you're more attractive, more secure, more supportive, and it's really just going to foster many good things for you and your partner. It will most likely decrease the amount of arguments you get in. So most arguments I find, can be broken down to a communication breakdown. If you're arguing about who did the dishes last, it's rarely actually about the dishes, it's more often about - Are you feeling heard by your partner?
02:53 So even things like arguing over chores, or arguing over family, if you can really hear your partner, it's gonna reduce those amount of conflicts. Also in your family, if you're talking to your parents or your kids, it's just going to make things a lot smoother. Outside of your family in relationships, it's also extremely valuable in your work. This is a very valuable trait for a worker, for them to be a really good listener makes them an excellent team member. I heard that people who are hiring for a new positions, they sometimes take into account technical ability only for 50% of their decision process, and the other 50% often comes down to what's called EQ or emotional quotient, emotional intelligence. So if you can become a really active, really excellent listener, that's gonna make you a more valuable team member in your work. If you can imagine policemen, police folks, teachers, babysitters, people in tech, these are all positions that will be benefited by being a better listener. So, it will make you a better partner, better parent, better kid, better co-worker. So it's a really important and valuable skill, I think, to learn.
04:17 Alright, so how do you do it? So the first thing is, it sounds kind of obvious, but you want to leave space for the other person to talk. Most times when there's communication going on, you might notice that you're just kind of waiting for the other person to finish talking, so that you can jump in. And you might notice that when there's a group of people, people kind of talk over each other and there's a kind of a lot of chaos, because everyone wants to get their piece in. So you really want to wait, so you can really just think about breathing, slowing down, giving space. A lot of this comes down to combating your impatience and just really sit with the other person, even though you think you have the answer to their problem, or you've heard this story before, or you know where it's going, and you want to say, "Yeah, yeah, yeah. You should go do this." You can notice that impulse and just try to breathe with it and try to slow down, try to actively give space for the other person to talk.
05:25 Actually slow down and try to pay attention to everything they're saying, even if you don't think it's important or you've heard it before. It can be kind of like a meditation almost. You can really focus on what the other person is saying and try to pay as much attention as possible, without giving too much thought to your response. So rather than thinking about what you're going to say, try to leave that off, leave that out of your mind. Trust that you're going to come up with the right thing to say when it's your turn to speak. And, when another person is speaking, really try to slow down and focus on what they're saying.
06:00 The second idea I have is you want to be using reflective statements. So everyone's subjective experience is so different, that even if you're describing a very similar experience in your life, it's gonna come off really different for different people. So what's a really helpful phrase to have in your arsenal is, "What I heard you say was", and then reflect back what you genuinely heard them say. Because even if it feels clear as day that they said something really clear and really obvious, it might not have come across to you in the way that they intended. So this allows the other person to really rework what they're saying and craft it so that they're really communicating what they want to be communicating to you. And, it also allows them to know that you really heard them. So when you reflect back, "What I heard you say", and it's exactly what they actually meant to say, then they're going to feel fully heard and they're going to trust that, "Okay, this person really heard me." So, "What I heard you say was", and then paraphrase what you think the other person said, and if it's not quite right, listen again until you're really getting to the core of what they're saying.
07:21 The next really important tip I have for you is to understand the difference between holding space and problem-solving. If you think about when you have a problem in your life, there's going be some times when you want someone to give you the answer. You're googling, "How do I X, Y, and Z." You just want the answer given to you. There's other times when you might just want to process what you're going through, hear yourself say it out loud, and you might not want that much feedback, at least right away. You may want the space to kind of explore your ideas. This is the type of thing that happens in therapy a lot. If you go to someone and you just want to vent, you don't want the other person to jump in with suggestions. You just want the space to kind of unload what's on your mind.
08:13 So, understanding the difference between these two ways of being with someone. Am I passively holding space for them, or am I actively giving them suggestions and problem solving? Getting really clear for yourself, "What am I doing right now for this person?" And you can even ask them. So another phrase that's really helpful is, "Hey, do you want my advice about this or do you want me to just hear you?" That's something you can say to your friend at the coffee shop when they're ranting about something, and you want to know - How can I best be with this person right now? So it can be very easy to drop in to fix-it mode, when some people just need space to be heard. And, it can also be easy to just hold space for someone when they really actually need the answers. So understanding the difference between those two and getting clear with yourself and with the other person, what are they needing? That's going to be really helpful.
09:08 So one more tip I have is, you want to use follow-up questions. So after they're done kind of getting their main idea out, there might be specific areas that feel really important or that you're really curious about, and you can follow up and ask them to tell you a bit more about this one idea. This shows the other person that you are genuinely interested, that you're not just waiting for them to finish, but you actually want to know fully what they're going through and what their experience is. And it gives them the opportunity to elaborate, to go into more detail about some issue that might be really important, and it really helps them trust that it's okay for them to keep talking. That you are really okay to hold space for them, and that if they need to unload more, or if they need more space and they need more advice, that it's okay. So, "Tell me more about that" is a really good phrase to use when you're using follow-up questions.
10:13 So, those are the main ideas I have. We use space, use reflective statements, understand the difference between holding space and problem solving and use follow-up questions, and I hope those are helpful for you. If you start practicing some of these ideas in your life, I'm curious how it will affect your life. My bet is that people around you are gonna feel more safe, more heard, more connected. Your relationships might flow a little easier. It will probably decrease the arguments in your close relationships. So I'm curious how this might affect you. So I recommend that you try some of these ideas, try them out, see how they work, and hopefully this really helps you with your connection and your communication to those around you.
11:00 Alright, so I hope this was helpful. If you're needing more specific help with this type of thing, to work on your active listening in your life, you're always welcome to reach out to me. I help couples and individuals with this type of thing all the time, as well as offering couples therapy, trauma therapy, and drug and alcohol counseling in my practice. I'm always happy to chat and consult to see if I might be a good fit to help you. Okay, so that's it for today, hope this was helpful. Take care.
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