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Does your relationship need a tune up?
Are you and your partner having trouble communicating and hearing each other?
Are your arguments getting out of control?
Are you stuck in the same cycles and can’t seem to get out of them?
Are you and your partner feeling distant from each other?
Your relationship may have been the source of some of the best moments of our lives, but now it can also be the cause of some of the most difficult pain you have faced. It is extremely hard to realize that your relationship which was once collaborative and constructive is devolving into arguments and criticism. When the honeymoon period is over and the hard work of a long term relationship begins, you might encounter many doubts, fears, and frustrations.
When you can’t communicate well with your partner, nothing seems to be going right. Trivial things can set the two of you off into the same old disagreements. Your arguments are getting more and more intense, and less and less productive. You start to feel like your partner doesn’t really understand you, and you start to feel more and more distant from them. You might think to yourself in the middle of a conflict “what are we even arguing about?” You might look at your partner after a long fight and think “is this even the same person I fell in love with?”
Admitting to yourself and to each other that your relationship needs work can be an extremely painful realization, but it also is the first step towards opening to change. Running into these obstacles is not a death sentence for your relationship, with hard work and productive exploration you can understand what is going wrong in your relationship and how to make it right again.
“Lack of communication can drive a spike between two people wider than any physical distance”
- Mark W Boyer
Relationships are hard
Every relationship has its ups and its downs. We all learn at some point that the Disney story of “happily ever after” doesn’t capture the reality of what it means to live, grow and love with another person. You might feel like if things aren’t going well that it means something is wrong with your relationship and you shouldn’t be together. The truth is, though, that every successful relationship goes through these types of difficulties, and healing through them is possible. Many couples experience a breakdown in their communication at some point in their relationship. When you both feel distant and unheard, it can lead to any number of problems in your relationship including;
- Jealousy
- Anger
- Intense arguments
- Avoidant behavior
- Insecurity
- Overwhelm and anxiety
- Problems with sex and intimacy
- Infidelity
- And more
Couples therapy can help you heal your relationship
Talking to a compassionate and competent therapist can help you navigate the tough times in your relationship. In couples therapy, we will explore what is really happening behind the scenes in your relationship. You will each have a platform to be heard, and I will help you come up with better ways to communicate and relate to each other. Spending the time devoted to working on your relationship can do wonders to deepen and strengthen your bond to your partner.
Many of the problems people experience in relationships boils down to a breakdown in communication. When you and your partner can’t communicate effectively with each other it feels like nothing can go right. I use a variety of communication tools and approaches such as NVC (Non-violent communication) and EFT (Emotionally focused therapy) to help you and your partner say what you really want to say to each other in a productive way. Once you two are communicating effectively, you can feel reassured in the knowledge that you can navigate difficult situations when they come up.
You might notice that you keep arguing about the same things over and over again. This is because most arguments center around a core emotional need you each are trying to get your partner to meet. Couples counseling involves investigating and understanding the emotional need you are trying to get met in that moment, and finding better ways to communicate to your partner in a way that is conducive to connection and closeness.
Essentially couples counseling can be broken down into three stages;
1. We will identify and understand the pattern you and your partner keep getting stuck in
2. We will explore and uncover the underlying emotions and needs that are leading to these conflicts
3. You and your partner will learn new ways to engage with and communicate about these emotions so you don’t get stuck in the same old patterns
This may sound simple, and it can be, but that doesn’t mean it's easy. Couples therapy can be a lot of hard work, but it can also open the door to a new relationship for you and your partner. As a grounded and compassionate couples therapist, I will help you two navigate your triggers, identify your emotions and communicate more effectively.
"A successful relationship requires falling in love multiple times, but always with the same person"
- Mignon McLaughlin
Maybe you still have concerns…
“I’m afraid talking to a couples therapist will bring up more conflict”
Relationship counseling is an opportunity to talk about difficult things in your relationship with a third party who can keep the peace and interrupt conflict as it arises. Facing your problems and dealing with the difficult parts of your relationship in a safe and structured environment can help you work through conflict in a constructive way.
A good couples counselor will allow you and your partner to access the pain and difficulty you are facing in a safe and productive way without letting things go off the rails into arguments. If you continue to stuff your problems under the rug, eventually they will build up to the point where they have to come out. It's better to talk about what's bothering you in a supportive environment than ignore it altogether.
“What if my spouse doesn’t want to come to marriage counseling?”
I offer free, no pressure consultation calls to see if I’m a good fit to work with you. On this call we can get acquainted and I can answer any concerns your partner may have about couples therapy. Couples therapy or marriage counseling doesn't have to be scary or painful, and my hope is that through talking with me in a no pressure environment your partner will realize that I can be a support to both of you in whatever capacity you are needing.
“I’m worried you are going to take my partner’s side in our conflict”
A good couples therapist will remain unbiased and create the space for both partners to share their side of the story. It’s not my business to determine who’s right and who’s wrong in your relationship. I’m more interested in helping you two communicate authentically what’s true for you. I aim to create a fair and supportive environment and find ways to help both parties feel like they are getting their needs met.
“Does online couples therapy work?”
In my experience, online couples work is just as effective as in person therapy. The convenience of being able to do sessions from your home opens up new possibilities and allows many couples who wouldn’t otherwise have the time for couples therapy to explore it as a possibility. Working through the screen is something we all have had to become comfortable with over this past year and it's my experience that the couples I work with have no problem engaging in therapy over video. The most important part of couples therapy is the two of you, I am just a supportive role to help guide you in the right direction. Being online doesn't at all affect my ability to give reflections, suggestions, exercises and support.
Your relationship can find the support it needs to thrive again
I offer compassionate and effective couples therapy in Santa Cruz and Los Gatos, and online anywhere in California. Reach out today to schedule a free, no obligation 15-minute consultation call. I’m happy to chat and answer any questions you have about therapy. We can set up an initial appointment after that if it feels like a good fit.
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