How to stop repeating the same arguments again and again
A couple comes into therapy complaining of being stuck in a rut, repeating the same pattern again and again. One partner feels misunderstood, the other feels accused, tensions rise, neither one feels heard, and the argument ends with nothing resolved. Next week, the same exact pattern happens again. Why do we tend to repeat these types of patterns in relationships? Surely after revolving around the same themes again and again we should learn how to navigate through them differently.
What most couples are missing to get them out of these ruts is genuine curiosity. When you can foster a curiosity about what might be happening in you, in your partner, and in the relationship, you open the door to new insights, new ways of being, and new ways of relating. When curiosity feels sparse, couples psychotherapy can help hold the space for curiosity and insight to be fostered.
Thinking in two vs three dimensions
Most couples who are struggling to connect find that curiosity has left the building a long time ago. Especially in long term relationships when the patterns have had lots of time to develop, it can feel like you already know the script, you already know the motivations, and there is no space to wonder and ask. Curiosity stops when you feel you already know what's going on in your partner and why they are acting the way they act. This is a dangerous position to hold, however, because it doesn’t leave any space for something new to arise in the relationship. If you have foreclosed on openness and curiosity and genuine desire to understand because you feel like you already know the story, the doors are closed to novelty and discovery in the relationship dynamic.
Lack of curiosity is like a two dimensional field, there is nowhere to go, no new perspectives to be held, no insights to be gained. You cut your partner off before they are finished speaking because you already know what they are thinking and what they are saying, and this leaves no room for them to actually tell you what's going on inside and to feel heard. If we enter into an argument feeling like we already know the answers, then there is no space to open up to new dimensions. When curiosity and your partner, and about the relationship itself come back into the picture, a third dimension opens up and you find there is space to breathe, move, and come at old hurts and patterns from new perspectives.
Why curiosity collapses
Curiosity collapses in relationships because over time we stop hearing our real life partner, and start interacting with an internalized representation of them. Our brains are wired for shortcuts, and from childhood you develop relational “templates” or certain relational dynamics that become hard wired and pre-selected. What this means is that especially in a long term relationship, you can start to lose track of the flesh and blood person in front of you, and start applying pre-set ideas about how they will act and how the conversation will go. It’s as if the groove has been built so deeply in the argument that once it starts to go down that road, it becomes hard to shift out of.
What’s needed in a moment like this is seeing your partner and your relationship with fresh eyes. To truly foster curiosity and presence, you need to recognize the tendency to slip into automatic and predictable patterns, and try to hear what your partner is actually saying this time, without layering on all the baggage from the past. This is not an easy thing to do when you’re triggered and exhausted - a couples therapist can act as a third party and point out these collapses and invite new perspectives in the face of old patterns.
What curiosity looks like in practice
To remain curious means to listen deeply to what your partner is saying without assuming you know what the story is. Maybe it’s something you’ve heard them say a hundred times, but the challenge is to listen with fresh ears and with the genuine attempt to understand. This can mean the difference between repeating an old pattern and making space for something new.
Your partner complains that you “never clean up around the house”. Without curiosity, you might jump to conclusions; “you don’t appreciate me”, “you’re always criticizing me”, “I do clean up you just never notice”. With some curiosity you might be able to shift into another perspective and ask yourself, “what is my partner really trying to say here?”. Maybe they feel unsupported despite your efforts and they want that emotional reality to be recognized, maybe they are especially overwhelmed with life’s logistics and are asking for help, maybe they are inviting a new conversation about home maintenance. With curiosity and openness you might be able to respond, “I hear that you are feeling unsupported and that’s not my intention at all, can we talk about this together to try to figure out a good solution?”
When we decide we already know the story, there is no space for new insights and it can feel like the walls are closing in. Repeating patterns in relationships aren’t just a sign that you’re stuck in a rut, they are an invitation to look closer and understand something more deeply. When we invite openness and curiosity into the repetitive stuck places we can see things from new perspectives and the possibility of feeling heard and connected opens up.
A skilled couples therapist can invite curiosity back into the relationship by holding a curious and open stance for a couple who has exhausted their capacity. Couples therapy isn’t just about new tools or strategies or suggestions, it's a space within which you can foster curiosity in order to enliven stuck and repetitive parts of your relationship.
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Connor Moss, LMFT is a psychodynamic psychotherapist practicing in Santa Cruz, CA. He offers couples therapy and individual therapy for anxiety, depression, addiction, trauma, and more. He welcomes inquiries from new clients and can be reached at (831) 204-0131 or online.