What is “Relational” Psychotherapy?
Relational Psychotherapy refers to a range of approaches to therapy which center the therapeutic relationship between therapist and client as an important factor to growth and healing. What this means is that alongside all the content, tools, processing, and other factors at play in a therapeutic encounter, there is a background healing process underlying all these other factors of growth which depends on the authenticity of the therapeutic encounter. Many people come to therapy thinking they will get new insights or tools to help them overcome their suffering, and while these approaches have their place and do occur in therapy, often I find clients are dissatisfied and left feeling a bit empty when therapists simply give them a worksheet or apply distant theoretical frameworks. The hidden dimension of therapy which often determines whether a therapy is successful or not, is the relational dynamics between therapist and client, and the rich tapestry of experiences this dynamic can lead to.
We all want to feel less alone
When we really break it down, most of the complaints of life can be reduced to a feeling of isolation and loneliness which permeates people's lives and experiences. If someone is suffering with depression, or with anxiety, the thing often which makes that experience unbearable is the story that at the core, on an existential level, we are alone with our suffering. When someone comes to a therapist complaining of depression, what they are really looking for most of the time is to feel less alone in their experience, and to feel truly and deeply heard by an empathic other person.
Rarely can someone give advice or an explanation to a depressed person and make them feel better. “Have you tried exercising?”, “You’re really just experiencing a depletion of chemicals in your brain”, “Maybe you need to try antidepressants”, are practical, but empty responses. What truly registers for a suffering person is a much more real, honest, and present experience of understanding and having a space where they don’t have to hide their suffering from the outside world. Instead, what many depressed people truly want is to walk into a therapist's office and feel comfortable to show their full selves and be heard, understood, and not judged.
Vulnerability is scary
Forming and deepening an authentic relationship with any other person, let alone a therapist, can be extremely difficult for many people for a number of reasons. One of the central reasons that closeness and vulnerability with a therapist is so hard is because for many people, relationships and vulnerability have not historically been safe. Many people experience the worst traumas of their lives in relationships, and have a chronic and ongoing fear of vulnerability as a result. Verbal abuse, complex PTSD, physical abuse, shame, blame are all common experiences in relationship with other people. As a result, people often shy away from truly opening up in relationships because on a core level they don’t feel safe. In this way, the very thing people are wanting and needing on a deep level - being seen and heard and understood as their full, unfiltered selves, is the very thing that people fear and run from in their lives. This can lead to chronic feelings of distance and disconnection from the people around them.
Relational Psychotherapy offers a safe and corrective relational experience where the therapist’s entire focus, effort, and energy is honed to understand and care for the client in a way that oftentimes the client doesn’t even know they needed. What this can look like is a therapist who sees the ways a client is hiding in ways the client doesn’t even realize, and opens the door to deeper vulnerability and honesty in a client's life. Or, a therapist who understands the unique relational wounds of traumatized client and can create emotional and relational safety in a way the client didn’t realize was possible. Whatever it looks like, relational psychotherapy is rooted in an honest and real encounter in the therapeutic relationship.
What happens when a therapist makes a mistake?
One aspect of relational psychotherapy that is both terrifying and exciting to many clients is the realization that in the context of a real relationship with your therapist, you are opening yourself to the real possibility of disappointment and frustration with your therapist. While therapists are often highly attuned to the needs of their clients and try very hard to create the types of encounters that are helpful and positive, sometimes a therapist may make a mistake or a misstep.
Because a relational psychotherapist explicitly creates space for the dynamics of the relationship, a misstep in the therapeutic relationship is an opportunity for a deeper level of connection and honesty. If you’re being truly real and honest in therapy, it’s possible to talk about your complaints and frustrations with your therapist directly. This opens the possibility for a conscious repair and acknowledgment of what went wrong which is often missing from relationships in the real world. If you and your therapist can acknowledge and discuss what went wrong, what didn’t feel good, and what would work better in the future, there is the opportunity to feel heard and understood in a deep way. For many clients, this type of acknowledgment and repair is an experience they wish they had in the relationships in their lives, and experiencing it in therapy can be incredibly curative.
Relational therapy is an attempt to drop the pretense
When I talk to new clients on the phone or in a first session, one common complaint I hear is that their last therapist didn’t really hear or understand them, or the relationship with past therapists felt rote or incomplete. What I hear in this common complaint is that too much therapy is by-the-book, following a predesigned treatment plan, or otherwise distant from the present moment reality of a client’s experience. When a client can feel truly heard, like the therapist is genuinely listening, interested, and cares about a clients experience, and the course of the therapy follows from that origin point of genuine contact, rather than from a book, theory, or outside idea, my experience is that clients gain a greater sense of wellbeing, comfort, ease, and fulfillment in their lives.
Want to connect?
If you’re curious about a relational approach to therapy, feel free to reach out to me at. I offer relational psychotherapy, depression therapy, trauma therapy and more in Santa Cruz, CA. Reach out today to schedule a free consultation to hear more about whether we would be a good fit to work together.