How to set effective boundaries
If you are a people pleaser or have trouble letting people down then you might struggle to set effective boundaries with those around you. Boundaries are extremely important because they create the space in your life you need to thrive. Without effective boundaries you might find yourself constantly drained by those around you and you might isolate yourself in order to avoid being taken advantage of in your close relationships.
Understanding what boundaries you need for yourself and setting them in an effective and clear way with the people around you will help you to feel supported in your life and will allow you to get your needs met. In this article I’ll outline a couple of important steps in getting started setting boundaries in your life.
Notice your needs
This might go without saying, but it’s extremely difficult to set effective boundaries if you don’t know what your needs are. If you aren’t sure what you are feeling in your emotions and needs in your life then how can you set boundaries that will support your needs? Understanding what your feelings and needs are is an essential first step in learning what boundaries you should set to support these needs in your life.
Taking the time to yourself to feel into your internal experience creates the space for you to notice and feel what emotions and needs are present for you. Whether this is in the form of meditation, alone time, self inquiry or personal therapy, taking the time to understand your internal needs will set you up for success when it’s time to set boundaries.
Common areas where people feel the need to set boundaries include:
Physical boundaries
Emotional boundaries
Time boundaries
Financial boundaries
Allow yourself to take up space
If you struggle to set effective boundaries, you might be feeling self conscious about taking up space. For you to learn to set boundaries it’s important that you feel worthy of taking up space and getting your needs met in your life and relationships. If you don’t feel you deserve to get your needs met or are constantly afraid of being selfish and asking for too much, it will be very difficult for you to advocate for yourself by setting the appropriate boundaries you need in your life.
Not feeling worthy of getting your needs met is often the sign of a deeper problem with low self esteem or self confidence. Taking the time to understand what is at the root of these feelings is important for you to feel good about yourself and feel worthy of asking for your needs to be met in your life.
Be direct and clear
Once you understand what boundaries need to be set in your life and you feel confident and worthy of asking for your needs, the next step is to clearly and directly communicate your boundaries to those around you. Speaking simply and directly about your boundaries communicates to others that you are serious about your boundaries and you are clear on your needs. This clarity models for others how you want your boundaries to be respected. If you are unclear or overly accommodating when you talk about your boundaries, then others may treat your boundaries as optional suggestions rather than take them seriously.
Speaking in clear and concise sentences with measurable and objective markers to support your boundaries will help others understand and respect your needs. Here are some examples of clear and direct communication around boundaries;
“Do not touch me”
“I don’t have the emotional space to support you with this right now”
“I can talk for 30 minutes and then I have to go.”
“I can’t afford to lend you any money”
Dont JADE
When you are communicating boundaries that are important to you, it’s helpful to remember the JADE acronym. JADE refers to common behaviors that you should try to avoid when you are speaking about boundaries.
JADE stands for…
Justify
Argue
Defend
Explain
The reason you want to avoid these common pitfalls is that they all suggest that you have to have a good reason to set boundaries for yourself. If you are justifying, arguing, defending or explaining your boundaries to someone, it is implied that your boundaries are on trial and you have to make a good enough case for them to be respected. The truth is you don’t have to have a good reason to set boundaries for yourself, it’s enough just to want them.
When you engage in JADE around your boundaries, you are putting them up for discussion and they can be argued or picked apart by people who don’t want to respect them. The truth is your boundaries are yours to set - only you know what your needs are and what will be supportive for you, and it is completely within your rights to communicate your needs to the world.
Practice
If you are new to setting boundaries for yourself, it might feel like a daunting task to jump in to asserting your needs in your life. If you are struggling with this idea, it might be helpful to practice setting boundaries for yourself when there are low stakes, so that when the stakes are higher you already have the confidence you need.
You can try practicing setting boundaries in a couple of different ways. First, try practicing speaking your boundaries clearly and confidently out loud when there is no one else around. Just hearing yourself speak your boundaries and getting the practice speaking in this way without feeling the need to JADE can be helpful practice for when you are setting actual boundaries in the real world.
You can also think about practicing setting boundaries in your life in small or less consequential situations to build up your confidence. For example, if you order something at a restaurant and they send you the wrong food, instead of quietly accepting your fate, try speaking up about your needs and ask them to remake your food the way you ordered it. Or, you can try telling your partner that you need just 10 minutes of alone time at a time when you wouldn’t normally do so. These smaller introductions to boundary setting will help you feel more confident when there are more serious consequences and the stakes are higher.
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If you are needing help setting and communicating boundaries or want to explore more about why you might struggle with boundaries, you can reach out for support in the form of therapy. Pacific Psychotherapy offers effective and compassionate trauma therapy, couples therapy, and drug and alcohol counseling in Santa Cruz. Reach out today with any questions or to schedule a free and confidential 20 minute phone consultation.