How does Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples work?
Emotionally focused therapy for couples is a framework of couples therapy developed by psychologist Sue Johnson. Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) seeks to help individuals and couples understand their needs in relationships, and provides a framework to help those needs get met. Johnson outlines how we all have wounding from our early relationships in our lives, and this wounding leads us to have specific needs and triggers in relationships in our adult lives. EFT seeks to expand awareness of these relational wounds and find new ways for individuals and couples to tend to these wounded and triggered parts in relationships.
The Emotionally Focused Therapy process can be broken down into three distinct stages of exploration and healing. The elegance of EFT is that the therapeutic process always follows these same structured steps and this framework has been shown to be very effective for many couples.
Stage 1: Awareness and de-escalation of distress
In stage 1 of an emotionally focused couples therapy process, the therapist and clients work together to expand awareness of the cycles the couple is getting stuck in and works to de-escalate distress and conflict in the partnership.
Often in a relationship you may notice yourself and your partner getting stuck in the same arguments over and over again. This is often because there is a central cycle that you and your partner revolve around where neither of you feels fully heard or satisfied. Awareness of this cycle and its dynamics is essential to help you and your partner start to create better patterns in your relationship.
De-escalation refers to specific strategies and techniques to reduce conflict and de-escalate distressing situations in your relationship in the short term. In order to dig into deeper work in your relationship, you have to be able to stabilize and be able to navigate conflict without it spinning out of control. In the de-escalation stage of emotionally focused therapy, you will work with your therapist to come up with specific applicable tools or exercises to help you engage in your relationship without getting stuck in arguments.
Stage 2: Reconnecting and restructuring
The reconnecting and restructuring phase of emotionally focused therapy for couples is all about creating new and healthy ways to relate to each other. In this stage you are digging into the underlying reasons why you got stuck in the conflict of the first stage, understanding what unmet needs may have led to conflict in the first place and finding new ways for those needs to be met.
When we talk about “needs” in EFT, it is important to talk about attachment styles and attachment needs in relationships. For a more in depth look at attachment styles, take a look at my other article: “What is your attachment style”. EFT works hand in hand with attachment theory to help you and your partner understand what specific needs you might have as a result of your attachment style. Often, core conflicts in relationships come from these primary attachment needs which aren’t being met or might not even be recognized in the first place.
As an example of how this might work, if you have an anxious attachment style, you might have a strong need for reassurance and closeness with your partner. If you either don’t recognize that you have this need, or your partner is unable to meet this need, this could lead to an underlying feeling of not feeling close or cared for by your partner. Understanding this core need and how it connects with your attachment style can better equip you and your partner to meet the need and avoid unnecessary conflict.
Stage 3: Consolidation of change
In the last stage of EFT, you and your partner will consolidate new knowledge and habits in your relationship and apply what you have learned to cement the changes you’d like to make. The last stage of EFT is about integrating all the changes you have made in couples therapy and making sure they get applied in your day to day life outside of the therapy office.
If you have been in a relationship for a long time, you have had a long time to build patterns that might not serve you. Changing these patterns takes time and intentional effort. Consolidating and integrating what you’ve learned in couples therapy is an important step to make sure the changes you have made will last in your relationship.
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If you and your partner are needing support in your relationship, you can reach out for support. Pacific Psychotherapy offers couples therapy in Santa Cruz, and online in California. Reach out today to schedule a free and confidential 20 minute consultation.