What is your attachment style?

The idea of attachment styles come from the research of psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. Bowlby and Ainsworth came to develop attachment theory after researching how babies and young children responded to their parents. What they found is that depending on emotional connection and setting a child was raised in, they would respond in one of four distinct ways to separation and reunion with their primary caregiver. What attachment theory shows us is how each of us has a different way of engaging in relationships, and that this attachment style is based on how our relationship with our primary caregivers went.

It’s scary to think that our early relationships can have that much of an effect on you, but it’s also helpful to understand how and why you engage in relationships. Understanding your attachment style will help you navigate relationships effectively and can help you understand why you act a particular way in close relationships. Many people talk about how hard relationships can be, and attachment style has a big impact on how you act and engage with those that are closest to you.

Anxious attachment

Anxious attachment, also called “anxious-preoccupied” in Bowlby and Ainsworth’s research, describes a style of connection where it’s hard for you to trust your close relationships and you are often anxious that your partner will leave or doesn’t care about you. People with anxious attachment tend to have an emotional hunger for their partner's attention, and they often need reassurance that things are ok in their relationship.

If you have anxious attachment maybe you

• Fear potential infidelity

• Can’t fully trust your partner

• Are sensitive to actual or perceived abandonment

• Feel incomplete or anxious when your partner isn’t around

Avoidant attachment

Avoidant attachment, also called “dismissive-avoidant”, describes a style of connection where you often feel like you’d rather be alone, and it’s hard for you to commit to close relationships because they feel like too much pressure. People with avoidant attachment often describe themselves as “loners” or are highly independent, and they can easily feel overwhelmed or suffocated by close relationships.

If you have an avoidant attachment style you 

• Tell yourself you are better off alone

• Feel smothered by too much intimacy

• Are sensitive to actual or perceived infringement on your freedom or independence

• Often need alone time and recharge when you are by yourself

Disorganized attachment

Disorganized attachment, also called “fearful-avoidant” describes an attachment style that lacks one cohesive strategy or narrative. People with disorganized attachment can quickly switch from more avoidant to more anxious attachment strategies and often their relationships are characterized by lots of drama, conflict, and unpredictable behavior.

If you have a disorganized attachment style maybe you

• Alternate between feeling smothered and abandoned in your relationships

• Have a history of high conflict relationships

• Are sometimes surprised at how you react to intimacy

• Often have unpredictable or dramatic reactions to your partner
  

Secure attachment

Secure attachment describes a way of relating to people that is confident, calm, and steady. Securely attached people can easily trust in their close relationships and have little to no fear of abandonment or being smothered in their relationships.

If you have a secure attachment maybe you

• Trust that your partner will stay faithful to you

• Can easily commit to a relationship when it feels right

• Can recover quickly from big fights or conflict

• Are not very reactive when your partner gets upset

Can you change your attachment style?

You’re probably reading this and asking yourself “how do I get myself to a secure attachment style?” The good news is that research has shown that attachment style is not a life sentence, you can work on your attachment style to move more towards a secure attachment1. The best way to work on your attachment style is to engage in healthy relationships that teach you that you can actually trust relationships and that it is safe to adopt a secure attachment with your partner.

Insecure attachment styles (anxious, avoidant, disorganized) all come from primary caregiver relationships that weren’t always healthy, so the best way to heal your attachment is to engage in healthy relationships. Understanding that your primary relationships when you were young can affect you later in life is important to be able to see what is going on for you when you get close to someone.

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If you have questions about your attachment style or are looking for help understanding how you relate to intimacy, feel free to reach out to me. I offer therapy for individuals and couples therapy in Santa Cruz, and online anywhere in California. Reach out today for a free and confidential 20 minute phone consultation to learn more.