How to have healthy arguments
Arguments are a part of almost every relationship. Getting stuck in disagreements with your partner is not necessarily a bad thing, but it’s important that the two of you know how to argue in a productive and healthy way. If your arguments are getting toxic or unproductive, you might find that it’s hard to stay on the same page and be compassionate with each other through your disagreements. Toxic argument styles, if left unchecked, can do a lot of damage to your relationship and your connection with your partner. Learning how to navigate arguments in a healthy way that fosters connection will help your relationship get through difficult spots and keep you and your partner on track.
Learn how to argue in a healthy way by keeping in mind these four suggestions.
Stay on the same team
No matter how much you may disagree with your partner, it’s possible to stay on the same team and support each other rather than tear each other down. The metaphor I like to use is this: when arguing, imagine you and your partner are back-to-back, facing the problem together in a united effort. If instead, your arguments feel like you are pointing the finger at each other in an accusatory stance, that is a good sign you are not being collaborative.
Think about you and your partner on a team arguing against the problem, rather than you arguing with your partner. You both want the same thing - resolution, agreement, peace, and you can work together in an argument to get there. Try putting yourself on the same team as your partner the next time you two are arguing and see how it changes the dynamic.
Keep it productive
A productive argument has an intentional and reachable goal that you and your partner are working towards. Sometimes when you are working towards growth in a relationship, there might be disagreements that cause bumps in the road. This is normal and to be expected. If you can stay productive and oriented towards the goal or outcome you are trying to reach, that will help your arguments stay healthy. If instead you find yourself tearing each other down or insulting each other with no goal in mind, you can find yourself in an unproductive and unhealthy argument dynamic. Try reorienting towards your goals, and use the argument to help you and your partner reach a productive outcome that you both want.
Recognize when you need to take a break
Sometimes you need to power through an argument to get to the bottom of a disagreement. Other times, however, you will need to abandon an unproductive argument and take a break in order to gain some perspective. If you feel like you are banging your head against the wall continuously, try taking a break from the argument and see how that changes your perspective.
Notice each others tolerance for disagreement
Each person grows up with different amounts of energy and volume in your family, and this can affect your tolerance for arguments later in life. If you grew up with a family where loud arguments were normal, you might have a very different perspective on what is tolerable than someone who grew up in a quieter more reserved environment. Some people love to argue and can feel very comfortable arguing at loud volumes for a long time. Others tend to get overwhelmed very quickly in an argument and have a low tolerance for what they perceive as shouting from their partners.
Notice and respect that you and your partner may have different tolerance levels for disagreements and arguments in your relationship. If one of you needs to bow out, it's important that you respect that and take a break from the argument rather than trying to push through to a resolution, even if you feel you have more to say. Creating a safe space in your relationship where you know you can be heard and your limits respected is extremely important to foster a healthy connection.
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If you are needing support in your relationship feel free to reach out to me. I offer couples therapy in Santa Cruz and online anywhere in California to people who need help navigating arguments and want to build healthier communication habits. Feel free to reach out for a free 20 minute phone consultation to see if I could be a good fit to support you.