What is your love language? (And why it matters)
“Love languages” is an idea developed by writer Gary Chapman to help understand the differences in how people communicate love to each other. What Chapman argues is that there are five distinct “languages” people use to show and receive love, and understanding these languages is extremely helpful for people to be able to feel cared for by their partners.
There can be a problem if you assume and expect that all people show and receive love in the same way. Love is the same for everyone, right? The reality is that what people call “love” can be broken down into distinct actions and relational styles that can vary widely across different people. What can happen is you might be showing your partner the type of love you like to receive, and they might not feel it because they need something different than you in order to feel loved.
If you are in a relationship and you don’t feel loved, or you don’t know how to show love to your partner, it’s possible that you two are just speaking different love languages. Understanding your love language and your partner’s can help you two effectively relate to each other in a way that fosters connection and intimacy.
Take a look at the following five love languages and feel into which one you like to receive. Share this with your partner so you two can more effectively show the love you feel for each other.
1 - Words of affirmation
If you identify with this love language, you feel appreciated and supported most of all when your partner shares in words how they feel about you. You appreciate praise from your boss, you love positive feedback, and you need to be told and reminded, in words, how much you are loved by those around you.
If your partner has this love language, try voicing your feelings for them more often. Find times to share honestly and authentically how you feel about them and they will light up with appreciation.
2 - Quality time
If you identify with this love language, you feel the most loved and close with your partner when the two of you are spending time together. You value uninterrupted time with your partner and loved ones, and you often wish your partner would stop working so much and hang out with you more.
If your partner has this love language, try setting aside time to intentionally spend time with them. Turn off your phone, leave your distractions at home, and give them all of your attention. You don’t need to do anything fancy for it to be “quality time”, just undistracted time spent together will make your partner feel loved and appreciated.
3 - Receiving gifts
If you have this love language, receiving gifts makes you feel loved and considered. Physical tokens of love in the form of thoughtful gifts for your birthday, holidays, or just because, help you feel loved and appreciated by your partner.
If your partner has this love language, try giving small gifts at surprise moments to help them feel connected and know that you are thinking about them. Notice what they like, and buy it for them to give as a small gift. This will go a long way in helping them know you care about them.
4 - Acts of service
If this is your love language, you feel most appreciated and supported when your partner takes care of things they know you need to do without being asked. When your partner takes initiative and does things that are helpful for you in your life, you know that they are thinking about you and really care about you.
If your partner has this love language, notice what they are doing and find a way to help out without being asked. Simple things like doing the dishes, taking out the garbage, or paying the bills can be incredibly rewarding for someone who receives love through acts of service.
5 - Physical touch
If this is your love language, you feel loved when your partner shows you physical affection. Being touched often throughout your day helps you know your partner cares about you and makes you feel appreciated and considered.
If your partner has this love language, go out of your way to give them a hug, rub their shoulders, or give them a massage. Finding ways to show your love through physical touch will help them know you care about them.
In conclusion
Showing love to your partner might not be as simple as you think it is. Sometimes you might believe your partner doesn’t care about you, when really they just don’t know how to show you love effectively. Talk about your love languages with your partner to help you two better understand each other. You can also observe your partner and notice what works well in showing them love. Learn your partner’s love language and find ways to show them love in a way they will receive well. If you do this, you and your partner will be stronger together and your communication and intimacy will improve.
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Are you needing help understanding your partner’s love language? Do you and your partner struggle to show love to each other? I offer couples therapy in Santa Cruz or online anywhere in California to help couples find ways to communicate better and increase their closeness and intimacy. Reach out today to schedule a free and confidential 20 minute phone consultation to see if I could be a good fit to help you.