Why Relationships Can Be So Difficult
We are fundamentally relational beings. From the time we are born until when we die, we exist in relationship to our parents, to family, to loved ones, and to our communities. It is in relationship to an other that you discover who you are and begin to develop our self identity. For many people, intimate relationships are the sources of the highest highs in our lives as well as the lowest lows. The intensity of joy and sorrow that relationships bring causes unexpected and sometimes confusing things to happen as you delve deeper into intimate connection with another person. Because of what is at stake, it makes sense that relationships are difficult experiences for so many people.
The high of a new romantic partnership is a surge of love and elation that pushes through to the sixth or twelfth month of a new relationship. Then, all of a sudden, you start to see through the initial high and notice all the problems or struggles you didn’t see when you first got together. This can be a frustrating experience. So many people try to avoid this “coming down” period at the end of the honeymoon stage by chasing endlessly for that high of a new love. Others fear the emotions they know will get triggered by an intimate partnership, so they avoid relationships altogether. Most people realize that at some point, the high of a new relationship will wear off, and the work will begin.
“When you look at someone through rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags." -Bojack Horseman
What some people don’t realize is this more difficult aspect of close relationships - when the work begins - is not a bug, but a feature. That is to say, it is not anyone’s fault when relationships start to shift away from carefree fun and towards serious work. This difficult work that emerges at the root of many of your close relationships is inevitable. When you start to engage in an intimate relationship, you remember deeply all of the past baggage from your other relationships and, consciously or not, you may transfer all of that baggage onto your new relationship.
Essentially, past relationships influence present relationships, and what you thought was a happy, carefree exploration, might be laden with unexpected memories from the past.
Object Relations Theory states that the way in which you relate to the closest people to us - your parents, romantic partners, childhood friends - is internalized and repeated throughout the rest of your life in your relationships with other people. Your interpersonal territory is organized by guiding templates which you internalize at a young age and then consciously and unconsciously replay. That is to say, the way you learn to relate from a very young age becomes ingrained in your psyche and informs all future relationship experiences.
“We tend toward what is familiar to us; we tend to dance steps we have learned and practiced over time” - Teri Quatman.
When you engage in relationship - any relationship - you access core parts of your being. This core carries with it all of our past hurts and all of your desires and dreams related to intimacy. No matter what relationship you are in, there will be some effort to heal, or there will be a replaying of past patterns. When you end a difficult relationship and start a new one, you may find that you face many of the same exact challenges in the new relationship that you vowed never to repeat. This is why, for example, in a room full of new people you may find yourself inexplicably attracted to the one person who is aloof and unavailable in the exact same way as all your exes were. This is why no matter what relationship you are in, the same complaints towards your partner, and the same complaints your partner has of you, may emerge time and time again.
The reason that these old memories or habits are re-emerging is that that they want to be healed. Each new encounter with old hurts or memories is an opportunity to heal our past. Understanding the specific relational webs you tend to get tangled in can help you understand the unmet needs of your past and your present, and allows for a unique opportunity for growth. If you engage with them consciously, you can use your relationships and intimate partnerships to attend to unmet needs in new ways.
“If you think you're enlightened, go spend a week with your family”
- Ram Das
No matter how hard you try to think it away, you have these relational patterns wired deep in your psyche. If you understand that, then you can begin to engage in relationships consciously and intentionally. This can play out in a lot of different ways, and it can be greatly aided by the therapy process. In individual psychotherapy, a lot of people struggle with relational wounds inflicted by their parents. Specific ways in which your parents didn’t meet your needs can set you up to try getting those needs met in our intimate relationships. For example, if your parent didn’t validate you enough, you may endlessly seek validation from your romantic partners - to the point where you hesitate to speak up for yourself. In therapy, we could work with this by accessing the core of your wounds and trying to understand what you need to feel complete and heal.
In couples therapy, these core wounds often emerge in conflicts between partners. Often times what is really going on underneath an argument is both partners feel hurt in ways that uniquely and specifically mirror old patterns. A lot of what happens in couples therapy is getting to the root of what the couple are really arguing about, accessing the unmet need beneath the anger or shutdown, and then finding a new way for the two of you to understand and care for each other’s core wound.
In the end, the difficulties that emerge in relationships are opportunities for healing. All relationships allow you to attend to hurt parts of yourself in ways that you would not be able to do alone. These experiences are teaching you to love the parts of yourself and others that are particularly difficult to love. Relationships are the schools of life, and if you listen carefully and respond appropriately, the lesson is often love. How to attend to that lesson is the work you are called to do in close relationships, in therapy, and in your life.
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Are you feeling stuck in your relationship? Do you keep repeating old patterns that you’d like to understand better? I offer compassionate and effective individual and couples therapy to help you get to the bottom of whats happening for you in your close relationships. Reach out today to schedule a free 20 minute phone consultation to see if I could be a good fit to help you.